So my halloween weekend didn't go the way I had planned, but it was still an awesome weekend. I had a bad vibe friday when finding out the huge saturday party we were going to was sold out. All tickets were sold, and there was no chance of getting any. Reg and I were going to be going with Mouse and Blondie. They failed to score tickets as well, so did my brother and his girlfriend.

I spent most of friday putting together my bride costume for that evening, and doing last minute touches on the kill bill costume. I had My daughter ready to be picked up by webster for 4 o clock, and had my bags packed for when Reg would be out to get me for the weekend.

Webster landed here at about 4:20, and he let Jude, the dog in heat outside. I sayed bye to My little girl, met websters new girlfriend, and spent the next half hour yelling for jude, she would'nt come home. I was so mad! Reg and his daughter landed to get me, but I couldn't leave until I got her back in the house. We finally found her, she was off with the damn husky that was the father to her last litter.

By the time we got into town it was near dark, and reg still didn't have a costume. We dropped off his little one with his mother, and we headed to my aunts second hand store for a costume. Mom was working, and she outfitted him as a prist. We smoked a little bowl of weed, hit a drive through, and ran into a friend of Reg's. We went to the liquor store to get out weekend liquor, and drove his friend home.

We went back to Reg's, we were there by 9, and he put his daughter to bed, while he had a shower, I got into the bride costume, and we went to a halloween house party out in the country.

The party was ok, there was maybe 30-40 people there, but I knew no one, Reg only knew maybe 3 or 4 people there. We forgot to bring liquor, we only had one drink each. We ate some mushrooms, and double checked to see if the party would still be happening in 45 minutes, the length of time it would take to get to Reg's and back to get our liquor. We headed out, but decided against going back. The mushrooms were hitting us, and we thought parking and listening to tunes was way more fun.

I blacked out once, and came to my sences a few minutes later to find I had pissed myself right in the front seat of his car, right in my wedding dress. We went back to his place, and I cleaned up, and we had sex. I was still tripping from the mushrooms, and every time I closed my eyes, I would imagine me and Reg in what ever postition we were in having sex in another place. It was very wierd.

We woke up at 12 noon the next day, and Reg was all up and ready to start drinking. I wasnt. He had to leave with his stepdad for an hour or so, and his mom was out shopping. I stayed there at his place with his little one. She played video games, and on the computer, I had a shower, and burnt a cd on his laptop. When he got back we went out for a smoke, and ended up having a little bowl of weed. We went back inside, and I watched as Reg learned html, and made a few web pages for school.

We decided around 5 we needed grub, and decided all 3 of us would get some fast food. His little one did not want to go, so she stayed home with Reg's mom, and we went together. Got some wendy's, and brought her home a happy meal.

We still didnt know what was going on for the evening, and started drinking, and calling people. A friend of Reg's invited us to his place, and then to come to a bit of a party, before going to a bar. We got ready, left by 9, ran to the grocery store, bought some fake blood for my uma thurman, and headed to Reg's friends place. We stayed there for a little bit, Reg, me and reg's friends roomate left to smoke a bowl, and we did a line of coke. We went back, to get ready to go, took pictures, and headed to the other party. We stayed there for about an hour, and I got a call from mouse, inviting us over to smoke a bowl. Since we were weary about going to a bar anyways, we figured we would leave the party, and go to see mouse, and hook back up with Reg's buddies after a bit.

I had a wicked time with mouse. Reg and I took some E, and headed in. and a few other people I knew were there all just chilling, and we hot boxed the bathroom, watched some tv,and finally after Reg pursuaded me for awhile, headed out to meet Reg's buddy. The bars were closed, we were supose to be going to some all night rave, and Reg wanted to land there at the same time as them.

We went back to reg's friends place, and waited to head out, then we met up halfway out to the rave, and tried to find parking together. Reg and i just werent ready to go in yet. Reg was sick from the E, and all that he could do was sit and listen to me talk. All I could do was talk, and be honest. So we had a big honest relationship talk. It was great. We talked about how much we love each other, how much we love each other's kids, and all the great things to come down the road, getting our own place, getting married. We even talked about planning a wedding to be in sync to the time of the year I would want to give birth, so that with any luck, our wedding night, or shortly after would be the magical time of conception. We talked about even though we both know we will get married, he will indeed ask, and do a proper proposal, and even ask my father first. I quite honestly can't wait to stop the smoking, drinking and weekend drugs, and be able to feel life growing inside me. Reg said i had better be prepared. He said there would be nothing more beautiful, and sexy as me pregnant. And I know he's being honest. I think I cried. Then he told me I was absolutely beautiful the night before, all dressed up as a bride, and couldnt wait til the day that I will be his bride. It was the sweetest thing ever.

So we didn't end up going in the rave. It was ok, he wasnt feeling well, but was having a comfortable time with me, talking about our futures. We took the long way home, and went to bed, and had sex.

We didn't wake up until about 2 sunday, and I had to pick up my daughter at 3 at websters. Reg and I had some quick sleepy lazy wake up sex. And I headed off to get my little girl. We went back to Reg's and we got ready to take the kids trick or treating.

We didn't go too far, we went around the block, and were about to head to another neighbourhood when they started complaining, and wanted to stop. We took them back to reg's and checked their candy, and let them play, while we tried breaking into his car, after locking the keys inside. We got it open, and I suited My little one up in her puppy costume again, so we could trick or treat at moms before going home.

Reg and I said our goodbyes, and I put her to bed, she was cranky and fell asleep on the ride home. I went to bed shortly after, I fell asleep watching soprano re-runs.

Originally written Friday October 29th

As every one can tell from previous posts, I am very excieted about halloween. Tonight Reg and I are going to a costume party, one that a friend from his school is throwing. I just learned of this yesterday, And decided since I will do the kill bill thing for the saturday party, and sunday trick or treating with the kids, that I needed another costume.

Last year I was a tough sexy cat woman. I had black cat ears, a tight black body suit with a tail, and i wore high heeled knee high boots that laced up, with metal gromets for the lace holes, and a big wide black belt, with 2 rows of lines of metal gromets holes. It looked wicked. So i thought i would wear it again, but the jumpsuit with the tail was moms. I called her to see if i could have lend of it, and turnes out she sold it to someone. Bummer.

I decided I could create my own costume here, and I am going to be a beautiful bride tonight (Reg...eat your heart out!) I am wearing a sleveless long white dress, with crenling under it, with a square neckline. I went online for a pic of a veil, and made one with a plasitc head band, and some sheer white fabric, and a hot glue gun. Then I found some flowers, fake ones, they were dirty as hell from dust, I gave them a bath in some pinesol and water, and picked out the greenery,white calla lillies, and daisies for my bouquet, and I wrapped white fabric around the base of the stems. I put the whole ensemble on for a test, and it looked great.

In My car, we drive
no one can find us now
park by the water,
watch the city lights
Kiss me, gently...
in my car.
metal and glass seperate us
from the world
turn the key, get me far,
far, far away from this place.
we're in my car, in my car.
put your foot to the gas
drive really fast
anywhere, I dont care
pack up our things,
belt in the kids,
"i spy" for 100 miles...
I dont care where we go
take me away, away from what i know
in my car, in my car

originally written march 2004

Ok, So I wrote this song....I was bored, and lonely, and thought it would make a good country song...imagine a texan woman belting it out along with a twaingy gutar in the background... country songs are lame and cheesy half the time anyways.... I wrote it a while ago now, but have decided to post it, I need the 5 tbucks.

Sometimes I feel like im stuck in a jail
In the mirror I look tired and frail
It seems the only things I want I can't have
And when I need you honey, I need you so bad
I sit all alone, way up in my room
The radio's playing some tired old tune
I have been stuck here at home for a week
Just something else to do is what I seek
I need free, but I always stay
With secret hopes you'll soon take me away

Oh baby with your big blue eyes
Take my hand, take my hand
Oh baby with your big blue eyes
Take my hand, take my hand
Grab your keys and grab some pot
We can sit all night in a parking lot
Oh baby with your big blue eyes
Take my hand, and get me outta here

Mom is growling, I'm in trouble again
My daughters whining, she wont go to bed
I try to call you but I can't get through
Sometimes I get so frustrated, i dunno what to do
I open my window, I light a smoke
Check my emails for some funny joke
I hop in the shower, I'm surrounded by steam
Why is this day such a bad dream?

Oh baby with your big blue eyes
Take my hand, take my hand
Oh baby with your big blue eyes
Take my hand, take my hand
Grab your keys and grab some pot
We can sit all night in a parking lot
Oh baby with your big blue eyes
Take my hand, and get me outta here

The phone rings, I answer real fast
Oh boy its you, I have never been so glad
Your out to get me, your on your way
This is by far the best thing i heard today
You tell me regretfully, there's not much to do
Suits me just fine, as long as I see you
I hang up the phone, I crack a smile
Throw on some clothes, you'll be here in a little while
I go downstairs to see where people are at
I leave a note with a time when I'll be back
Make sure my daughters asleep one last time
Put on my shoes, the first pair that I find
What a great way to end my bad day
My baby's coming, to take me away..

Oh baby with your big blue eyes
Take my hand, take my hand
Oh baby with your big blue eyes
Take my hand, take my hand
Grab your keys and grab some pot
We can sit all night in a parking lot
Oh baby with your big blue eyes
Take my hand, and get me outta here

My baby with his big blue eyes
Took my hand, took my hand
My baby with his big blue eyes
Took my hand, took my hand
He grabbed his keys and grabed some pot
And we sat all night in a parking lot
Oh my baby with his big blue eyes
Took my hand, and got me outta there

I am on my way to the dentist. It sucks, because I am afraid to go. I haven't gone in 6 years, and I am more afraid of what's wrong. Kinda like if I dont know there's a problem, then there is no problem. Its like I would rather not know. I have been getting toothaches on and off all week, and one of my top back molars seem to be broken. It's hard to tell, I can't see it, but the tooth is so sharp it cuts my finger when I try to feel it, plus the gums feel swollen, just slightly, plus it stinks. My mouth don't, and I taste nothing from it, but if I try to feel the wierd tooth, my finger stinks. I guess infection stinks. Gross. Plus it's an area that food gets trapped, and I cant get a brush back there. So I guess its about time I break down, and get a real dentist to look at it, and then go through the steps to fix it. The broken tooth does not hurt at all, but the rest of my teeth, including the front ones, hurt with hot and cold stuff, like theyre sensative. Maybe all I need is sensative tooth toothpaste, and antibotics for infection, and a cap??? More to come after the appointment....

Turnes out I got my wisedom teeth, and they are broken, and rotting. Both top ones came in, and those are the teeth bothering me. You would think one would notice getting 2 new teeth, but I didn't. The rest of my mouth is fine. No cavities or anything. I have to make another appointment to get the both teeth pulled. Since they already came through, I  guess it is suppose to be really easy to yank them, a 15 minute appointment with the dentist, no knocking me out to do so, and I wont be given any medication (perks) afterwards. FFS. I would love to get my hands on a perk perscription, and thats usually why people are pescribed them. I have to sit in the chair and get my teeth yanked while wide awake, no drugs, and nothing to take home with me later. ok, Now I am really scared.

I could just put it off, and off, but I can't. You could only see a hairline of healthy tooth between the decaying and the nerve, on both sides with those x rays...As soon as the decay hits the nerve....It will hurt like a bitch. Another thing I was thinking, If the dentist isnt going to drug me, and just pull, and thinks it will be that easy because theyre already through, and not going to pescribe me meds anyways, then maybe I could just sterlize some plyers, and yank!

Halloween is approching quickly, and I am beyond excieted. My costume is for the most part done, all I have left to do is add blood splatters, Reg still didn't decide what he wanted to be, and the kids have been taken care of long ago. I guess we're going out with Mouse and Blondie, to a big halloween party at the university, and some house party on saturday night I am not sure if the party is before of after the bar/university thing. Should be a blast though. My little bro and his woman are going too. She don't know what to be yet, and my bro is going as johnny depp from fear and loathing in Las vegas.

I really can't wait to take the kids trick or treating. I loved it when I was a kid, and My daughter has been yapping about it all month now. We haven't decided where were going for the candy mooching event, probably just around Reg's house. One thing that is necessary is to take her to her fathers on halloween, because he's dying to see her in her costume, I also promised him if I had her for the trick or treating I would bring her by.

I don't know what I am more excieted about, the Halloween party, or the trick or treating with the kids. Both will be great. I can't wait to get all dolled up, and bloodied up as Uma thurman, a la kill bill, struting around in my perfectly cut and dyed blonde wig, and yellow jumpsuit, with my (pathetic) sheethed sword, all ready for my bloddy revenge. Fuck, I hope I am the only kill bill uma thurman there... It would suck to be a double, especially if their costume is better!

Reg loves masks, and I can just imagine that at the last minute he will throw on black clothing, and a mask. Thats no fun, no effort! no planning!  Mouse was thinking as going as original nintendo, like the physical unit and controllers themselves. I am not sure if he decided on it, He is another one of those "last minute types".

So my daughter is going as a puppy, she has a big full sized plush zip up puppy costume, and Reg's is going a a princess. A disney princess I believe, Apparently if I were into princesses and toys, I would know that to be a disney princess is a class above! LOL! I think being a princess here in canada would stink! It's too cold, and no princess, either regular or disney would be caught dead with a snowsuit under the dress! The weather forcast I caught today is calling for snow thursday and friday. Natrually theres always room for a mistake, but regardless, chance of snow on any day around halloween means unless your going to an indoor halloween party, you want a costume that is either warm it's self, or wouldn't look silly when you incorporate witer clothing into the mix.

With all this halloween planning I have a few ideas for myself for next year... Marilyn monroe. I mean, I know it's been done, but it would rock to get the almost white blonde curly hair, and the famous dress, and the porcelain white skin. Another cool idea is an old school prostute. Like from a burlesque house, with the garders, and fishnets, and corsits. (think pink, mya, christina, and lil kim in that "lady marmelade" video)

I used to cook a whole chicken, or sometimes a ham for sunday dinner...back in the days of being home all day every day with my little one in our own place. Back in the webster days... Well I thought I would cook a big dinner sunday... I bought a 5 lb chicken, carrots, potatoes, turnip, and cabbage for sunday dinner...

Dinner was great, it took me the better part of the day to cook it all though, I used to just put everything all together in a roaster and chuck it in the oven. Well becasue i was feeding 6, it all wouldn't fit. Potatoes had to go in a pot on the stove, but it was still great, I even made my own gravy, instead of opening a can. I invited Reg and his little one over, and reg is beyond fussy. The only thing he liked outta that menu was chicken and potatoes, so i made those lipton side kick noodles too.

I had awful cramps all afternoon, and after taking 3 advil and a hot shower, still no good. They were still there... I had a tiny bowl of weed, it helped enough to finish my slaving over a hot stove, but they were still there, and still hurt. Since giving birth, my cramps feel like labour contractions. It stinks. I had another little bowl after dinner, and was then feeling great. Reg and his little one took off around 7, and I went down and did the dishes, and got my daughter ready for bed. I was tired, and wanted to just relax, so I put diced chicken in tostitos cheese sause, heated it up, and we had nachos in my room for her bedlunch, and watched a spongebob dvd. We were both asleep by 9:30 in my bed.

So after 12 hours of sleep you would think I would be rested, right? Nope, I feel like I could speep for another hour or two, but then again, I can remember waking up at least 10 times, after being brutally kicked, and once had her roll over right on top of me, think 3 year old legs right on my head. She's sleeping in her own room tonight!

Saturday was a long day, Mom picked me and the little one up in the morning, we checked out her new place, and she took me the few places I wanted to go around town. Seems we have no wheels out here. I cleaned the house when i got home, did laundry, vacumed, dishes, cleaned the bathroom (tub, sink, toilet, shower) and even cleaned my daughters mess of toys in her room. I killed time all evening. I got my daughter to bed early, and played the sims while waiting for Reg to either call, or show up. Finally at 10 I closed the game, and was about to check with my brother whether or not he was online or not, because he would have called by then...I opened my bedroom door, and there he was, coming up the stairs.

We sat in my room for about a half hour, debating on what to do. Finally we decided on a movie, but I wanted junk food. I checked with dad to see if it was ok to leave for a bit (my daughter was home, so he would be babysitting...) We went to three corner stores before finding what I wanted... Tostitos salsa con queso. its that spicy cheese sauce. I bought tortilla chips, sunchips, and a couple of bottles of pop.

We parked in my drive way, and Reg got a few lines of coke ready, He had scored it from a friend of his. We did the lines, and talked a bit, and went inside. It was very cold in my room. I had a space heater on full blast, and we sat on the floor, listening to tunes, and yapped for a while. Eventually we got into the junk food, but still had no urge to put a movie on. We ended up cuddeling under an electric blanket with the space heater under it like a tent, and smoked a few bowls of weed, and continued to eat junk. Finally we cuddled on the bed, under the electric blanket, with the heated aimed towards us. We fell asleep in no time, and I woke at 8 the next morning, wondering "When did Reg leave?" Turned out he woke at 3, 5, and 7, and left at 7....he was too comfy to leave at 3, or 5.

Every Friday Dad plays darts, so he's never home friday nights. Reg landed out here around ten, and we hung out in the living room, listened to music, and spent a long time figuring out what board game to play, for some good old fashioned fun. We went up to my brothers room to smoke some weed, and by then dad was home. He was drunk, and annoying, maybe because I was baked and antisocial, He went to bed after critisizing our scrabble skills, and we gave up that game, and started a new one.

One thing I never really noticed about the game was if some one else really sucked, so would you. If your opponent did nothing but little 3 letter words, then you would have no good spots to try to make a good word, and so on. We played til we just couldn't anymore, I am not sure if we just both had shitty letters, or if we were just both too baked and stupid. In the end we were showing each other our letters, in hopes to get something! We added up the points, and I had about 50 points more than him, so I won! Yay!

I decided I was hungry, I left a note, and we took a trip into town for some subway, and ate it in the car where we stayed parked for a joint, one that was rolled they day before but we forgot about. We drove a bit, and then parked in the driveway for a bit. We turned on some CBC station that played really wierd music after midnight. It was just freaky, and undescribable. We both but the seats back, and closed our eyes, and just listened. Next thing I know, its 7. I went to bed, and Reg went home.

Here where I live, we have wicked shrooms (sorry, I'm not disclosing my location folks!). Every one swears they are very close to an acid trip. I tried them for the first time last thurdsay.

Last thursday Reg had a test at 7 in the evening, and was going to be heading right out here after to just chill for awhile. It was a school night for him, but nothing important was on the agenda for the next day. He got here at 8 30 or so, and we chilled out, listened to music, and I tried doing one of his school tests just for kicks. We were talking to my friend Mouse, and decided after I got my daughter down for bed for the night I would check with dad is I could leave for a bit. It was fine, and we were going to pick up Mouse. We were just packing up stuff to get going around ten, and  My little bro came in to find out if we had any weed we wanted to trade for shrooms. We had next to nothing left, because we emeptied a cigar and filled it with about 2 1/2 grams of weed. My brother didn't care if it was only a couple of bowls worth, and handed Reg a pile of dryed shrooms. Reg ate a couple of shrooms, and gave me a few to try. It was nothing compared to what he ate, like 10 stems (supposidlly theres wonder whether the stems even do anything at all) and maybe 3 caps. Half hour later I felt great. Like I just had a drink, or smoked a bowl, but nothing...other then the shrooms entered my body. We picked up Mouse, hit a store for smokes, and parked in my driveway to smoke our huge joint.

My drive way is long, and  its very rare anyone comes up or down while parked there. You can't see it from the house, and the odd time your brutally interupted doing anything, its so late that its my brother and his friends coming home for the night. Well around 12 or so he came home, and we had to drive up to let him up. Mouse and I stayed in the car and yapped, and Reg hopped out to share the joint. Thats when the shrooms hit me. I couldnt shut up! I yapped and yapped, and yapped. we drove back down the driveway a bit, and parked, and finished the everlasting joint, and I was seeing shit. The moon and clouds looked to have a persons face in them, and it reminded me of a magizine ad.

The trip lasted til about 2, and suddenly it was gone, I was more stoned/burntout then anything. and hungry! We went to the McDonalds drive thru, and ate, and then dropped Mouse off home, and we Reg took me home. We both came inside, he usually doesnt, but he did this time, we flopped on my bed, and one thing led to another, and we had some wicked, half kinky sex. I woke up to me thinking he should still be here, when I knew damn well he left.

Over all, it wasnt a bad first trip. It was a tad frightening at times, and although I looked up loads of information about it, such as whet to expect, how long it lasts, how many to eat, I still had no idea until I tried it. I will indeed try them again, but when the kids are away. Now that I know what its like, it may go better. If not, then that will be the end of it.

I'm worried about Dad. He's taking the break up with mom well, but he's the type to act one way and feel another. I know he's hurting alot inside, and I wish I could help. He's tough, he always has been, but I can only imagine how it would feel to lose someone after 23 years. I am somewhat pissed about the whole situation. Mom was constantly on everyones case, over everything and anything, especially. He started to notice recently that she picked fights, so he would just sit there and listen, as opposed to fighting back, and giving her a reason to feel she has to go.

I have never seen my parents kiss, in my whole life. They had me about a year after they met, mom says it was an accident. He proposed and proposed countless times to her in this lifetime, but she never accepted. I remember a fight they had about 5 years ago, He was bawling like a baby, saying she doesnt love him. I really dont think she did. I'm not mad at her for not loving him, if she didn't, then she didn't, but for godsakes, after 23 years! I mean, she should have left long ago, instead of letting Dad believe all this time it would last forever. Dad's 50 now. 50 is not an age to suddenly find yourself single.

My father is a great man, loving, careing, hard working, and the best father anyone would ever want, he deserves to find someone who loves him for all of that, not someone who stuck around because it was convienent for the kids sake, and in the end, convienent for herself. Dad was saying that Mom was threatening to leave for the last 5 years. 5 years! She fucking strung him along for 5 years, not including anything before that. 5 years ago I was 17, my brother 14. We were old enough to understand divorce, and I doubt we would have had any hard feelings toward either of them.

I dont understand what's so different now, as opposed to before. I mean, what made mom finally go? She likes to believe the world will fall apart if she's not here to cook and clean, she nags and bitches about having to do it, but I honestly think that she assumes none of us, especially Dad and my brother would survive without her. A close friend of mine thinks since I am back at home, and not moving out soon, mom knows I will be here to take over her role, and that they will be taken care of, I guess perhaps a way to to try to lessen her guilt?

She shouldn't feel guilty about going, she should feel guilty however for knowing it wasn't going to last with Dad, and taking so long to do something about it. Every day she lived in this house as my dad's spouse knowing she didnt want to be here was like an emepty promise, and as much as I don't want to choose sides, Dad deserves way better than that. Dad deserves to be with someone who loves him for who he is, and some one who loves him as much as he loves them. Mom just didn't seem to understand that.

When me and Reg got together, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with him forever. I wanted him to one day become a step-dad to My daughter, and me a step mother to his. We talked about how someday all of us will be under one roof, just like a big happy family.  There is still no doubt in my mind, and never along the way did any doubts show up. Reg is very busy these days, and I understand that. He's going back to college, his daughter is in kindergarten now, he is playing college hockey, and even joined a badminton team. Not to mention his course is alot of work, home and at school. This all means I see Reg on weekends. Not every day like I was used to over the spring and summer, even last winter. I am not obsessive, or possessive, but it sucks! I am lucky to talk to him before bed! It was back in march he found out he would be going back to school, and we both knew how hard it would be, but the idea of not seeing him everyday never crossed my mind, until the day came. I don't know what I thought. My girlfriends that went to university had no problem going out on week nights, or having people over for drinks, and they did ok in school. Maybe I thought that. Or maybe I figured we would be in our own place by then, and even though he would be swamped with school shit, and sports, I would still see him, because we lived together.

I am not complaining, I think its great that he's going back to school, and he's being really cautious and responsible, and he's second in his class right now. Its great. I wish I could see more of him but I can't. All my life I have been a dreamer, I would dream big, and try hard to get what I wanted as soon as possible. The way I once saw it between me and Reg was that if we both knew what we wanted, and both felt the same way, then who cares if we jump into shit early? Because we are sure it will work out. I have mellowed  down a bit now, and the way I see it now, is if we both want it, and we both feel the same way, just knowing that someday we will all be together as a family is enough. I mean, He's not going anywhere, so why not wait a bit? Why not just sit back and enjoy the present, and that way when the day comes, we will have many memories to look back on. Plus the fact it would be great for us both to get ourselves established. Him finishing school, paying off his bills, and finding a well paying job. And me taking care of my bills, and having a legal custody agreement between me and webster regarding our daughter, and finding a stable job. I guess he had it rigt all along. We're at home with our parents, so why not make the most of it while we still can, and that way, when the day comes, we will have the extra things we will want, and the stability everyone desires in life.

So theres this bill collector lady that gives me a hard time. Her name is Gena, and she is trying to get the entire balance (5000) outta me for my Provincial portion of my Student Loan, with no option for a particial payment, all or none. It was set up with a bank, and because i was 4 payments behind (lack of income can do that) it went to a collections agency.  On the first phone call, after telling Gena about my financial situation, she told me she did not believe me. I was appalled, because I felt  her opinion had no relevence. I told her she could contact whoever she wanted if she wanted proof, and she went off the handel, and stated that I was acting like a trucker, and not a lady. I argued that if I don't have it, I don't have it, and she stated I would be sorry if she put it through, I told her she should, because I honestly had nothing to pay. She hung up on me. Good.

She called about 2 weeks later, all nice and peachy, and asked how the job hunting was going, I told her nothing about my situation has changed, and we spoke civilly about perhaps obtaining about 400 dollars to at least throw at it. I agreed to try, and emphisized I was making no promises, and if I came up with anything I would go in. I mentioned that I was in the process of applying for interest relief for the Federal portion of the student loan with the National Student Loans Service Center, and asked if that would apply for the provincial as well. She said No.

I spoke with a National  Student Loan Rep, and she informed me the interest relief covered both, and if granted, would postpone for 6 months, and I had the option to apply every 6 months for up to 3 years. I also had a letter stating the Interent Relief applied for any Provincial Student Loans associated with the Federal loan, that were taken out with a financial institution, which meant me, and the balance Gena was trying to get.

She called again today, about a week and a half later, and blasted me about not calling her back. I told her that I had not come up with anything, and reminded her that I had stated that if I did I would be in, and there was no mention in our previous conversations about when I would contact her, where she had made some note that I gave her a date. She then said she was sick and tired of playing my stupid games (what??!!?) and I demanded to speak with her supervisor.

I had a man named Ray on the phone, and I explained my situation with Gena. I inquired if they taped their calls, and he said they didn't. I advised him it might be in their best interest, because I felt that Gena, (although i had respect that one could do such a crappy job as to call up people over past bills), had a serious issue regarding professionalism. I told him that although I knew I had to pay the balance, and nothing will make the bill go away, but I still deserved to be treated professionally, and that by her involving her own personal opinoin of me was definately offensive. I am not playing any games, that was her opinion of the situation. It's her job to contact me, and try to either sweet talk me, or perhaps scare me into paying the bill, but not make me feel like any less of a person. I suggested he monitor Gena calls more often, because she needed an attitude adjustment, and I would not stand for any comments or remarks that are not only untrue, but demeaning. Calling one a trucker, or stating they are playing stupid games is not what I call professional. Just because she didn't use any profanity doesn't mean what she did was alright.

Its her job to try to get me to make a payment. Not her job to believe whether or not I really don't have an income. I told her straight out I had nothing, and could do nothing, and she can send my case up the ladder, because although I would rather her hang on to it forever, I know that her job is to send it up the chain if payment is refused. She stated this on our first call, and I already told her she will have to because I have nothing. Her constantly assuming I have the full 5 grand here to pay it off and just dont want to is not my problem. I told her I can't pay, and I want to. I told her to take it to the next level because although I don't want her to, and although it will likely fuck(did not use that word on the call!) me over, I deserve it, I have no money to pay this off, and I can't help it right now.

I acknowledged my guilt, but was honest enough to tell her what my situation is, and that she's honestly wasting her time. Games? Inviting her to do what she threatened is hardly a game. Its an honest appectance of the situation. Like hell I want it to go back to the government and to court, or garnish such things as my GST credit, and future paycheques, but if I cant pay, I understand it has to get paid somehow. Perhaps she gets a commission on what she gets people to pay. I dont know how it works, but me inviting, and acknowledging that she should do what she had threatened in the first place, because, yes! I am that broke, seemed to piss her off more.

What does Gena want? A reward?

I have a bit of a story to tell. Not a big deal, but I still want to tell it.

This is the story of "Arsefirst". Not his real name, but still, it works for now. I first saw him when I was 13, and in the seventh grade. I thought he was the hottest  guy at my jr high school.  He was in grade 8, and because of that there was a challenge aspect.

There was a dance at the school that the grade 7's got to go to, usually us cool grade sevens had the day time sock hops, while the 8's and 9's had the dances. Arsefirst was there, and I was too nervous to think. Someone dedicated Live's "Lightning Crashes" to us, and we danced. I was in Heaven, Everyone heard the dedication, and everyone saw us dancing.

He called me a couple of days later, and he asked me to go out with him. This meant we were "going out" there was no such thing as "dating" back then, you were either going out or you werent.

Our relationship consisted of waving at school, and talking on the phone at night. He dumped me after 3 weeks. I was so sad!!

before long I was in grade 8, and he was in grade 9, and I still only wanted him. Our lunches were on a different schedule, so I could "casually walk by" his class while being on lunch. We talked on the phone every now and then as "friends". My friend Blondie was having a party, and she said I could invite him, I did, and he came, and we ended up in the treehouse with 2 other couples, where all 3 girls had their first kisses. We called them "frenches" and we timed and watched each other by the light of indiglo watches...awwww..

Arsefirst and I were then "going out" again, and this time, we saw each other a little more at school, and yapped on the phone. He dumped me again 6 days later.

By then I was like obsessed, I followed him around school, we talked everynight, I had his name on everything, and I was convinced he was who was meant for me.

Finally after a few months i got over it, and started grade 9, where we talked every now and then on the phone, he had moved, and was in high school. we lost touch, and I never saw him again until I was in grade eleven, and him in grade 12.

We talked on the phone every now and then to catch up, and before long, he asked me out. I debated for about a day or two, and accepted, we hit it off, and he became what I would now consider my "highschool sweetheart."

We talked every day on the phone. We got together at least once every weekend for a movie, or to drive around town, I took him to my christmas formal dance,  and after 2 months, lost my virginity to him in my bedroom, with some made for tv movie about tina turner on in the background.

After that we were fucking like rabbits, every time we were together.  Soon enough I got my liscence, and turned 17, and we had wheels of our own, we did loads of fun stuff, day time saturday drives, beach, shopping, movies, drive in, skipping school, we went to his prom, the grad party, he got his car restored, and we camped, took it to car shows, and even started showing up at all hours unannounced at each others houses. Life was great. It was my first real relationship.

We started fighting about me spending time with my best friends, they were guys, so he was jelous. I broke up with him, and like a week later he called me, and after a long talk we were back together.

Then he said I was right the first time, and we should split. Fine, ok, done.

Then  2 months went by, it was end of summer, and school was just starting, he called me up at work to see if we could go for coffee, we did, and it was innocent, just a catch up thing. By the time i got home I was wondering about him all over again, and we talked the next day...

Next thing I know he is outside throwing rocks at my window, I am thinking I am dreaming it until a few minutes later he calls to say to meet him at the end of my drive way, I go, we talk, and we are back together again, I felt like I was where I was supose to me, with him.

A week later he asked me if I thought we rushed into getting back together. I am all like WTF!!! rushed? sure if we were strangers! Sure enough he tells me we got back together way to fast, and bla bla bla...fine.

Thats it, for our actual break ups, and relationships. However...the story does continue.

After him I met My daughters father, and after we were together for about 2 months Arsefirst called me up drunk new years eve (about 3 months later) and told me he was wrong, and he loved me, and he was so stupid, and shit. I told him I was with someone, so he couldn't just play those games with me anymore.

Then he called me 4 months later on my birthday, and we hooked up to catch up, I told him I was pregnant, and engaged.

2 months later he wanted to take me out to dinner to catch up, we did. And we ended up at the drive in, and one thing led to another, and before long, he's all like " i miss you" "i love you" and stuff. I fell for it.

I cried and cried all the time, I just wanted to be 17 and arsefirst's girl again, not an expectant mother engaged to and impregnanted by someone who wasnt arsefirst. We had an affair, until we got caught. I swore i wouldnt contact him, and didnt, but he called me again, it was my 19th birthday. we caught up on the phone, and then about 6 months later he calls me up outta the blue again to tell me hes moving across the country. We say our good luck's and buh byes over the phone, and thats that.

A month later I get an email from him, he loves me, we was wrong, he's in a strange place and all he can think about is me. We got close with emails, and then moved on to instant messaging. They became lovey dovey, and  then erotic, and as wrong as it was for me, It was easy to think it was just a blank computer screen. Until he was coming home for christmas. He wanted to see me. He did, all of me, and just like that I was involved in yet another affair with him, and got busted. I never saw him again.

He emailed me last month (2 and a half years later), all of the messages are purely catch up, and whats new. I told him all about the breakup with webster, and my new relationship with Reg, and made it clear about how happy i am now. He mentioned he's coming home for a visit, but i dont think i will meet him. I know damn well if i did nothing would happen, I plain old just wouldnt, and wouldnt want to. boys.....grrrrr....

I guess there's a few things I am wondering. Did he finally grow up and just want to talk to an old friend? or is he thinking he can get a booty call? Or did he really mean all the lovey dovey shit and just couldn't get it together way back when? Who knows? One thing is for sure, I love Reg, and nothing, and nobody can change that.

I got home this afternoon with enough time to feel sorry for myself over the bad heartburn I was having, and the terrible toothache. I layed down, and ended up dozing for the rest of the night. Not really asleep, not really awake, just BLAH! Both my conscience and unconscience thoughts were about my mother, and how she still has yet to tell me she's moving out. Turns out she left friday night, and no longer resides here. I am kinda hurt she didn't tell me. My brother says he's moving out in a couple of months if everything goes well financially for him. Then it will just be the three of us, Me, Dad, and my little one.

I guess I could look at this as a good thing. Mom and I never got along under the same roof. Every time I had my own place we would get along great. So maybe this time we can get along, and god forbid, close. As for dad, I bet we will get along way better without mom in the middle of everything.

One thing is for sure, if my brother does move out, it will be extremly hard for me to move out in the future, I mean, I dont want to leave dad alone... But then again, I dont really want to leave, until its time for Reg and I to get our own place with the kids. And that wont be untill he is done of school. It's going to be a long 2 years, that's for sure.

So I am over at Reg's, and I have no idea where he is! His car is still broke, his mechanic step dad was supose to  fix it friday night, but didn't, and then saturday night, but he wouldn't. So Reg and I were stuck here in his basement bedroom all weekend. Its sunday after noon now, and I dont know what to do. He got up at 11, because he was being called to go fix the car. Great. I stayed in bed, We figured it would take a half hour or so. Well I kept falling asleep and waking back up, and finally got up a little after one. There is no one in this house, and no one outside. Its now 20 minutes to two, I have to be home by 3, and i dont know what to do. If Reg was here I could find out if it will be done, or if he's borrowing his step dads car, or if I will have to find my own way. That would suck, because there's no one to call, a cab would be about 40 bucks. I have to be home by 3 because my ex is dropping my daughter off between 3 and 5. There will be other people home, or should be, but I would like to be there...

My younger brother is 19, and he has a girlfriend. She is 18, and is awesome to say the least. She is really nice, and funny. She stopped by earlier to pick up my bro, and once she heard I needed a way to the store she offered to let my brother drive me in her car, and she stayed here to watch my daughter. My daughter loves her. The whole time she was here she played with her, and they were both having a blast. Not that my brother fills me in on his love life,  but I think she is his first girlfriend, not sure though.

So for halloween there is a huge party, like every year, at the bar in our province's university. Reg and I are going, along with Mouse and Blondie, and I guess thats where like everyone I would know, but don't see anymore will be. My brother and his girlfriend are also thinking about going there as well. Should be a wicked time, it is on saturday, oct 30th. I'm very excieted.  That's only a little over two weeks away!

I am not sure whats happening this weekend. Our kids are away, but Reg's car is still broke. It broke on sunday, and since nothing was open, or monday because of thanksgiving, nothing got dont. His paycheque was late as well because of the holiday. He got it yesterday, and he has no classes today, but isnt out buying parts or fixing it because he has a headache. Tomorrow he will be in school all day, so no time to work on it, and there will be no way he will have it back and running to get me friday night as usual. I'm bummed out, there's only one car out here, and like i mentioned before, I am not to drive it. Plus my mother works from 2 in the afternoon, til 9. I cant get a rip into town at 2, because My daughter isnt picked up til 5. and I know mom wont drive me after work.

I am a bit frustrated, because I am cooped up in the house all week long, and want to get out!!!

So well after all the chaos of my last blog that was found and saved and emailed around my town I made a web site. No big deal, it's purely a friends only site. Instead of me emailing pics of me, Reg, and our kids, I send people there. The site consists of the main page, slight info about me, and 8 photo pages. One of me and Reg, one of just me, just Reg, my daughter, our daughters together, pets, party pics, and wierd stuff to catch on camera. I never linked it to any other sites/blogs/profiles i have, and only gave 2 people the url, because they wanted me to email pics. Both super close friends of mine.
Well Reg had someone add him to his msn, and they sent him a message saying "she's at it again..." and provided a link to my site. Its freaky!! This happened 3 days after I published the site. It's not that I care if people I don't know, or do know but don't like see this site, it's nothing but friendly, family pics, but the fact they got it so fast freaks me the fuck out!!
My reasons for being so freaked you may ask??
Number one, I have a laptop. It's always with me, and no one has used it but Reg and I, EVER! I bought it brand new in July.
Number two, I am on very shitty dial up internet, an untraceable american dial up company's test account. I would have an ip of an american company, and never the same, because its assigned when you connect.
Number 3, the odd time I am on highspeed, i am on a network, with a router, and an internal 192 ip address.
Number 4, I have firewall software.
Number 5, the site was brand new, and i know the url wasnt given out to anyone other then my 2 close friends.
Number 6, the person who sent the message would have had to know Reg's email address, it is not obvious, and he doesnt post email addys or profiles.
Number 7, I cant find my site through a search engine using any info relating to me, or reg, or anything else.
Number 8, I tried doing a search through the hosting's home page to see if i could find it. Nothing.

Come to think of it, I use hotmail, and msn. One link was given on msn, one in an hotmail message...If someone figured out my hotmail password then they would have access to my sent items (i happened to save that email,) plus my address book where his email address would be. I am definately changing my password!

Any ideas folks?? Love to hear input on this one!!!

So Halloween will be here soon, and I can hardly wait. Every year I like to wear something "risqe" like last year i was a sexy cat woman, with a black tight bodysuit, that had a v neck that ended right between my tits. The year before I was a playboy bunny. Think bridget jones diary....Yup, the movie was how i copied the costume, I sewed and sewed and finally, Hot! This year I was thinking Beatrix Kiddo (uma thurman) from Kill bill vol 1. I found a 2 piece yellow jumpsuit at a used clothing store, and spent all day today taking it in, now it is just my size. I am in the process of adding black striping along the seams, and on the hunt for a sword. My hair is much too short, but i figure i can buy a wig, and style it just right.

The kids are away the weekend of halloween, Halloween is sunday night, so Reg's and mine will be returning sunday around supper, so we get to take them out sunday, AND hit a party maybe saturday night. I want him to wear a suit and a black mask and carry a sword, he could be one of the crazy 88's as my opponent, but he dont like the idea much. Ah well. He has no idea yet what he will be. His little girl is going to be a princess, (2nd year for a princess now!) and mine is going as a puppy.

I had a decent weekend. Reg came out here Friday night, we smoked some pot, we talked about anything and everything, and got into a discussion about mentally ill people. (My uncle hung himself last year, he was struggeling with mental illness for about 20 years...the anniversary is coming up) Basically what we were wondering, is if an insane person was part sane, like  a sane person could partly be insane, maybe to a minor degree. Like for example, if you had a sliding scale of insane at one end, and sane at the other, could lets say someone closer to the insane end have times when theyre perfectly sane and not want to be sane anymore? Basically I am wondering if when an insane person commits suicide, could they be sane at the time, and do it because they do not want to bllack out and be crazy any longer?? I guess I want to know if my dear uncle made the decision in the right frame of mind, or it happened when he was "not all there". But we had a good discusion regardless. From there we decided to go for a drive, and treated ourselves to a couple of big mac meals. Gotta love the classic every once and awhile!!!

I made Reg stop and get me a cold bottle of coke and a hot cappichino (sp) before he took me home, I wanted it for something I was dying to try out on him. Yes. I gave head, for like over and hour, and did the old hot/cold thing with the drinks. Fuck!!! Lets just say I think he will be forever greatful!

We went Apple picking Saturday with the kids. We got 20lbs of apples, and after that we went to pizza hut for supper. It was a good time, and when he took us home, I invited them to stay for the night. We had a quiet evening, we got the girls to bed, and watched "lost Highway" and went to bed. We had the most amazing sex ever (ok...every time is always the best) and were up by 8 am the next morning with the kids.

We all headed to Reg's for thanksgiving dinner, and on the way his car broke. He hit a bump way too hard, and broke a strut or something... Well its undrivable, so we crashed there sunday night. Reg and I went for a walk after we got the kids to bed, his mother was there in case anyone woke. We walked to a park, through some subdivisions, we checked out some houses going up (being inside a house while its being built is wicked!) and ended up crossing a stream in some woods and finding ourselves in a golf course!
We walked the road for the golf carts, and saw a bench, and sat for a bit. From there we both had to pee, we were standing side by side, I squatted, (no shit eh) and he was standing, I was still squatting after he was done, (drip dry...no t.p.) and when i stood, he was there behind me, and he started touching my ass cheaks, and hips (lol, me standing there with my pants still down to my knees!) next thing we knew, I was bent over honding onto the bench, and he was nailing me from behind. it started raining, we didnt care, it was wicked. We cleaned up, and started our adventure back to his place. Its easy to forget when walking, you always have to walk back as well. I scored a golf ball on the adventure, which will remain stashed for sentimental purposes.

We had a lazy day at his place with the kids today. Its a nasty storm here, High winds, loads of rain. At about supper time my father picked us up, since reg couldnt drive me home, damn car. Now its Midnight, and i am freezing in my room, theres a crazy draft coming in the window cracks, and the whisteling is unbarable!! The whole house is shaking at the big gusts, and the power is flickering. I am under an electric blanket, sheet, quilt, and comforter with my laptop. Gotta love laptops...I am the only one in this house with entertainment if the power does go!

The weekend is finally here! Thank God, I may actually leave my house! Reg is coming over here tonight, were just going to have an easy night here. I am broke, so unless he has some cash we wont be going out. Tomorrow Reg wants to do some pumpkin thing, I am not sure what, and he wants to go apple picking sunday. His College teacher has an apple orchard, and invited us and the kids to pick apples. Sounds like a blast! I would like Reg and his little girl to come over here one night for a sleepover as well. The kids love having sleepovers together. It is thanksgiving weekend, and like every other year I am sure saturday night out would be nuts! You always run into people you havent seen in forever on saturday night of thanksgiving weekend. People actually come back to this shithole to eat turkey with their families. I would love to go out tomorrow night, but I am broke, and  I'm sure Reg is too.

We always take the kids to the primary school on weekends, its a great spot. As bad as it is, Reg and I are so anti social when it comes to the park. The elementary school has the best playground, but its always full of kids and parents, and older brats too old to still be playing there. The other school is always dead, and more parents our age with younger kids come, then old 30's old fashioned mom's and their kids. Plus theres woods behind the playground, and a long path through them we always walk on, it takes you to this very neat deck thing overlooking what I would call a swamp. We, by we i mean us and the kids, refer to this place as shreks house. We always go walking down there before we leave the park. There is a huge parking lot, and lots of paved areas with nothing but hopscotch games painted on. Both girls need to learn to ride their bikes, they both arent that good yet. It would be nice to get them there with their bikes and helmets. My daughter will be 4 at christmas time, and Reg's just turned 5. Both are on training wheels, and it was the first season they owned bikes.

I remember being 5 on my bike, I was never home, I had younger friends, older friends, you wouldn't catch me staying home to watch tv, play video games, or play on a computer. I was all over the town! I guess times have changed, and with technology, and many other factors, kids running loose down the street playing in ditches, or making forts at the ripe age of 5 doesn't happen anymore. *Sigh*

I let my daughter play outside alone today. its not much of an issue where I live, I'm on what was once a farm, with fields all around me, some woods, and a LOOOOOONNNGGGG driveway (1/4 km). You hear cars coming up long before they are here, and with 3 dogs, you know whats going on. We have a big yard, and she knows to stay in it, and only play where the short grass is. She was only out for an hour, I kicked her outside for fresh air, It was a beautiful day, leaves on the ground, but still many in trees. She watches way to much tv, and has little or no interest in anything else. I left the door wide open because she still has a hard time opening it from the outside. I was right inside watching passions, and I went out on every commercial break (if you ever watch that lame ass show, you would know theres ALOT of commercials!) Reg's daughter plays outside alone now, but she is 5. She isnt allowed to leave the yard though. They live in a sub division. although the speed limit is like 30 (kmph...i'm canadian..) people fly down doing 60 (kmph) all the time. It pisses me off. She only really has a little paved driveway to bike on, and although mine has a long ass one, its a dirt driveway, which doesnt go well with training wheels. I bet on open pavement with no chance of traffic the girls would kick ass on those little pink bikes with training wheels!!!

In other news, Reg had his own issues that other night I was upset. He was mad, I was mad, once i explained more of what was wrong with me, and he talked about how he was feeling, and we figured shit out. He ended up fighting with his mother that night, over going out on school nights. I get the fact that she is the babysitter if he leaves, but he was telling me it wasnt just that. He was upset he couldn't come out here, because he wanted to, and he knew his mother would shoot him. I guess in the end he told her where to go after she flipped when he was about to run to the store (walking distance) he was stressed, and getting out of the house was what he wanted. Going to the garage or driveway for cigerettes dont count as getting out of the house he explained. No Shit. He feels bad for me, way out in the counrty, no car, not allowed to drive my parents, even just to the store. No job, nothing. Just the same thing everyday. Even back before Reg started college I got out enough, he would come out here, and we'd leave and go for a drive or something. My highlight of this week was last night, i managed to get to the gas station a km down the road to get tobacco. I was gone less then 15 minutes. And I had to be driven, not even trusted to drive a rig one km down the road. How sad. It's because I am not insured, I get that. but still?? I am going nuts.